OK, so this assignment was supposed to be a Thanksgiving debate with a family member about a provocative environmental topic - when mixed with the proper amount of alcohol, sure to invoke scenes of screaming, broken glass and a bail bondsman . . . and while that sounds ever so appealing, it just didn't apply to my situation. So, instead, I invite you to A Flower Family Celebration, an imagined tale of food, friends and foes.
This is the Flower Family residence, a cozy little studio apartment just off Pete Ellis Drive, in the bucolic college town of Bloomington Indiana. Let me get you an Everclear on the rocks while I recap the evening. We had an eclectic group of people to be sure.
There was Me, slightly menopausal hostess and damn good Mahjong player, Miss Cleo, television psychic extraordinaire channeling, Wendy's founder Dave Thomas, The Mongolian, my 17 year old daughter, (if you know anything about Atilla the Hun, then you understand why I call her The Mongolian), conservative presidential candidate Michele Bachman's anti-gay husband Marcus Bachman, gun-slinging, deer hunting, decrepit rock star Ted Nugent, and the ever belligerent and hairy Alec Baldwin.
Being a destitute college student, I supplied the cheese ball and everyone else pitched in. Alec Baldwin's yoga instructor, arm candy girlfriend sent him over with a mysterious rash and steaming plate of Tofurky, a vegetarian, inedible gelatinous mound of quivering tofu and wheat gluten . . .yum? Ted Nugent showed up a Turducken, a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey, encased in bacon strips and stuffed with a White Castle slider dressing. Dave Thomas was supposed to bring the corn salad, but I think Miss Cleo ate it on the way over, and last but not least, Marcus Bachman brought dessert - cream puffs!
A bit of tension began to develop as the buffet line began to form, vegetarians on one side of the card table, carnivores on the other, but things remained politely civil as we discussed Beyonce's baby bump, fake or fierce? The evening rolled along in a rather genteel manor as we debated whether Ryan Gosling was indeed robbed by not being named People Magazine's sexiest man alive, and if we thought Justin Beiber was anybody's baby daddy. And then, the unthinkable happened . . . Ted Nugent raised his left buttock slightly off the couch and let loose with a very loud, very odoriferous flying air biscuit. That was when the evening fell apart.
Alec jumped up off the bean bag, his Chinet plate and plastic fork tumbling to the carpet. Unleashing his best array of f-bombs he called Ted a rude little pig and lambasted him for his contribution to global warming via his evil Republican carnivorous ways - Nugent whipped a jackknife out of his boot and began waving it in Baldwin's face calling him a G.D. pinko tree hugger. Miss Cleo pulled off her earrings and popped on some brass knucks while Marcus screamed uncontrollably. One thing led to another and the next thing you know, Bill Nye was on the speaker phone. Bill had a calming effect, because he is The Science Guy. Yes, the PBS Kids scientist told the party, farts were indeed the second biggest contributing factor to global warming, specifically cow farts, but flatulence of all kinds did its part to contribute to the changing climate, even turkey farts. Then of course we had to Google it. *Sure enough, a single cow emits 280 liters of methane a day. The average person toots out a half a liter, while a soy bean does not emit any. Self righteously, Alec gathered up the remains of his inedible, environmentally friendly dish. Securing it in a maroon Tupperware bowl, he bid us goodnight as Ted flipped him a grease covered middle finger. Miss Cleo and Dave claimed they had to get up early the next morning and Marcus Bachman left for the midnight madness sale at Nordstrom's, saying there was a pair of pink feathered sling backs just waiting for him, 40% off no less.
Me and The Mongolian looked at each other, shrugged and headed down to the gas station for some rollers and a couple of Yoohoos.
* So, just how much is 280 liters of cow farts? That would be 102,200 liters per cow, per year (remember, Ted Nugent only farts about 183 liters per year . . . Alec Baldwin maybe a little bit more). That translates to the equivalent of 230,386 cans of Yoohoo or the blood of 21,599 human bodies, (zombies) which would fill Conseco Fieldhouse (OK, maybe not for the Pacers). This is equal to 3,609 cubic feet of gas, multiplied by the 96,669,000 heads of cattle in the U.S. and that gives you enough bovine gas in 1 year to fill up 49,403 Hindenburg sized zeppelins full of cow flatulence floating over the friendly skies of America (a zeppelin and a blimp are not the same thing - Google it Sweet Cheeks).
BUT - as if that isn't bad enough, according to cattlenetwork.com, the U.S. only makes up 10% of the entire world cattle population. India, Brazil and China have significantly more cattle than the U.S. which ranks 4th globally. India alone has over 280,000,000 cattle, nearly 30% of all the cattle in the world. Can you imagine what it would be like if Hindus ate hamburgers?! Think about that the next time you're having Kung Poa Beef or Panneer Makhani. So will everyone just get off America's Hot 'N Juicy Burger eating backs . . .jeez chillax and crank up a little Wango Tango.
BUT - as if that isn't bad enough, according to cattlenetwork.com, the U.S. only makes up 10% of the entire world cattle population. India, Brazil and China have significantly more cattle than the U.S. which ranks 4th globally. India alone has over 280,000,000 cattle, nearly 30% of all the cattle in the world. Can you imagine what it would be like if Hindus ate hamburgers?! Think about that the next time you're having Kung Poa Beef or Panneer Makhani. So will everyone just get off America's Hot 'N Juicy Burger eating backs . . .jeez chillax and crank up a little Wango Tango.
Thank you for this.
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